All This Pain


butterfly soul

In retrospect, all the pain I’ve felt in my life continues because I resist just meeting it. I have convinced myself that some terrible thing will befall me that will be irreversible. That I will somehow be destroyed. So I stuff it away, ignore it, hide from it and I suffer. I’m a coward and I’m tired. This is a war I have enough clarity to know I won’t win. It’s not possible.

So I surrendered. I let the pain come and I sit with it quietly. There is no conversation with it or judgement of it. It’s almost as if it were an entity unto itself, equally tired, and together we just want to rest silently in each other’s company. Comrades. Compatriots. So we have been sitting.

I discovered what a beautiful friendship I’ve been denying. This pain is a beautiful thing, not the ugly, gnarled, snaggle-toothed demon I thought it was. It’s delicate. As transparent as a tear drop. It doesn’t want to destroy anything. It just wants the comfort of an embrace and the embrace it longs for is my own.

When I welcome it in the most intimate place in my heart, in stillness and acceptance, it transforms. Instead of a monster it’s just a tiny flower smiling up at the sun. And I have been the biggest fool.

 

Stop Poking, Start Loving


When we love others sometimes we experience hurt.  Perspectives and attachments such as betrayal and blown expectations can be devastating.  And we tend to cling to the hurt.  We poke at the wound as though somehow being reminded will “save us” from it happening again.  But it doesn’t.  It just causes us to suffer and robs us of our light.

When it hurts and you’re tempted to pick at the sore place in your heart, remember.  This is the Home of the Beloved.  The Beloved has dwelt there long before your birth and will never leave you.  It’s never hurt you.  Its Face is reflected upon anyone you’ve ever loved and those you haven’t.  Even upon your own reflection.

Love this Beloved with the deepest abandon, as you’ve always wanted to.  Let the hurt remind you your Beloved is there waiting behind the bruise. Instead of poking the pain, express your love to this Beloved.  Let go of the pain and sink in the Love that’s there.   Be healed, for the Light of the Beloved shines for you.  Always.  And live without fear.

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Surrender to Pain to Be Free


torch

You have to experience the pain.  Fully and completely.  If you want to be liberated, if you want to be free of suffering, if you want to be awakened, self-realized, you must be courageous enough and willing enough to experience all of the pain and fear you harbor within you. You must surrender.

If you can be brave enough to take just a small step forward into that dark abyss of shadows you’ll find something unexpected.  You won’t perish.  With each step forward the shadows will abate with you.

The reason for this is startlingly simple.  Each shadow of fear and pain you surrender to is nothing more than an illusion.  The pain and fear are nothing but artefacts of stories you’ve been telling yourself your whole life.  These are stories of who you think you are, who you think others are, things that happen to you or to others, or things you think will happen.  None of them have any basis in Reality.  They are purely subjective.  Even who you perceive yourself to be is nothing more than a tall tale.

Some of these tales can be so time-worn and so lavish they appear quite real, but they’re not.  Just as Alice and Wonderland and A Tale of Two Cities are such beautifully crafted works they seem to swallow you into another world that appears quite real, they are still just stories.  Creations of an author but, even more importantly, they are creations of the reader.

Who is the reader of your own tales?  I’m sure you can feel it there, reading every word of your sagas.  If you sit with this reader for even a moment, experience it, you’ll discover that nothing has ever affected it.  Not your emotions, not your thoughts, not your pain, not your fears.  It simply sees the stories you create.  A curious discovery, is it not?

As you walk ever farther into the darkness you fear with this new knowledge, the painful fear fades away because these things, these stories are not who you are.  The one who sees, the one who reads these epic tales, is your true self.  Pain has never touched you and fear is what has kept you from realizing it.  Who you are is unborn and cannot perish.  It was experienced when you took your first breath and will be until you take your last in this body.  And it will remain ever after.  It can’t be stained by the experiences of life.  It is always pure.

Get to know this You that you haven’t met before.  Hold it high before you like a torch as you progress through the abyss of all the pain and fear you’ve repressed and avoided.  These are only whispers of a past that never really existed.  The deeper you go, the brighter this torch will burn.  It will burn away this dark clutter, and as it does, nothing but space remains.  And this space is infinite.  It’s not empty.  Rather it’s thriving and teaming with life force.  The pain will be consumed by it until nothing remains but blissful, effortless and expansive peace.  Your heart, now unfettered with illusions, will throw its doors open to all life has to offer.  Instead of fear, you will move through your life driven by a love so effortless and fearless nothing will ever hurt you again.

But you have to be willing to surrender, and surrender totally, even if it’s just one small step at a time.

 

Box Knives


Emotions cut like box knives bleeding heart ache from the wounds slowed only briefly by scars like speed bumps.

Perhaps learning from the experience, it slows as it flows over and down, remembering, burning like tear drops that drip on a cold and indifferent floor.

They dry and go the way of dust; unknowingly stuck on shoes or dirty feet, blown away by an errant breeze into nothingness as if they never existed at all.

But there remains a scar, another speed bump, waiting, hoping to be understood.